If I Were Brave, Like a Gryffindor
by drarrelie
Summary: If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, things may have gone a bit differently. But since I'm not… What is bravery, anyway? - Drarry, H/D, HP/DM, Draco's version of canon, growing up, Hogwarts House Traits, bravery, self-preservation, expectations, Father-Son Relationship, pining, secret crush, Enemies to Friends, pre-relationship, possibly pre-slash, open ending, hopeful ending


Author's notes:

Do you ever wonder about what's going through Draco Malfoy's head as we follow Harry's interactions with him throughout the original series? I do, frequently. Yes, there are times when I just hate this obnoxious little git - don't we all? - but at the same time, my heart aches for him and the fate his author placed on those frail shoulders of his.

Beta love! Thank you _BrandonStrayne_ and _SighNoMore_ for being by my side as my stories come to life. Without your support and encouraging words, they'd most likely never feel confident enough to brave the big, scary world. As always, you've done a brilliant job and I have only myself to blame for any remaining mistakes.

English is not my native language so please be kind if you find any errors I've missed. That said, I'll appreciate any feedback you're willing to give me - follows, favs and reviews are my primary life sources.

Disclaimer: All characters belong to — and are reverently borrowed from — JKR and associated publishers.

* * *

I've never been denied anything I've ever wanted before, and then suddenly, when it matters the most, it happens. Your rejection hurts more than I'll ever care to admit. I tell myself you're not worthy of my friendship. That if you don't want me to be your friend, I'll find another way to become someone significant in your life. I just cannot let myself be a nobody to you.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd swallow my pride and ask for your forgiveness, ask for another go. I'd tell you how much I've looked forward to meeting you ever since I realised we're the same age and that you might come out from wherever you've been hiding all these years to board the Hogwarts Express with the rest of us. I'd tell you I'd give almost anything to be your friend.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

They say there's a troll on the loose in the castle. A bloody Mountain troll. They're escorting us back to our dormitories when I see you and the Weasel sneak away from your group and run the other direction. I can't think of any possible reason why you would disregard your prefect's instructions. Have you gone completely mad?

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd follow you. I'd think of a reason to excuse myself from my friends and head your way. I'd be scared as hell, praying we didn't meet the troll on whatever crazy quest you two were up to, but at least I'd be there to help if anything happens. I don't know how, but I'd help you fight it if need be.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

Youngest Seeker in a century. You should have been expelled after that stunt you pulled in class, but instead they put you on the team? I still can't believe it. And now you've caught the Snitch in your very first game. Thank Merlin for my Malfoy heritage or I'd most certainly be killed by my housemates before sundown. I was the one goading you into that stunt, after all.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd applaud you, even from here, surrounded by Slytherins. You did play an amazing game. I'd come up to you after the game and congratulate you on your victory. I'd tell you how brilliant a flyer you are, how I admire your innate skill. I'd ask if you'd like to fly with me sometime. I'd tell you I'd like to be as good as you someday.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

He's picking on you again, treating you like no teacher should ever treat a student. I don't know what it is about you that's bothering him so much, but it's clearly something. Sure, he's strict and demanding of everyone — except me, I suppose, but I guess it's just because I'm his godson — but this is getting ridiculous.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd ask him to tone it down, to give you a break, at least once in a while. I'd ask him what it is you've done to deserve his special treatment. What does he know about you that I don't? I'd tell him he should probably consider acting a little more professional, that this unjust behaviour is below him.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

The stupid dog is whimpering as it cowers from the sound of an owl hooting in the dark. He's apparently an even bigger coward than I am. Sure, I've always wanted to see a unicorn in real life, but not like this. I wonder what Father would say if he knew they're having us patrolling the Forbidden Forest at night-time. And all this just because I wanted another glimpse of that cute, little dragon.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd tell you that I'm scared of the dark. I'd ask you to tell me something, anything, just to be able to take my mind off all the unknown, dangerous creatures who inhabit this place. I hardly think it's called the Forbidden Forest just for fun. I'd reach out to take your hand and hope you'll squeeze it in reassurance.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

You're still in the hospital wing and the whole school is worried like crazy. They say you're unconscious, but no one wants to tell us what happened. I even asked Severus. I'm dying to know more though. I might fake a headache just to have a reason to visit Pomfrey and steal a glance your way even though both Granger and the Weasel are probably already there with you.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd visit you by your bedside. I'd hold your hand when no one's looking and pray for you to wake up. The corridors and classrooms are so boring and empty without you there to tease and rile up. I can't imagine going a whole summer without seeing you. Maybe I'd ask you to come visit me at the Manor. I'd suggest we'd go flying and I'd show you the place where I grew up.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

I can feel his piercing eyes on me but I obediently keep my gaze fixed on the floor. His voice is unyielding and cold as ice as he lets me know of his disappointment in me, of how I've tainted our family's name. He accuses me of not trying hard enough, of not caring enough, and he asks me if I really think it worthy of his heir to be outmatched by a filthy mudblood like her. A Crucio is resting on his tongue as he commands me to do better.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd raise my gaze and meet his eyes, defiant. I'd assure him I really work as hard as I'm able, stress that I'm still the second-best student in our year. I'd tell him that she's actually quite brilliant, remind him that intelligence seldom is connected with blood status. And then I'd tell him she's actually not filthy at all, but usually quite clean.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave, like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

Father tells me there'll be changes at Hogwarts this year. That we'll soon be rid of the mudbloods infesting our society. I dare not ask why this is so important to him, neither do I want to know what he's planning. Later I express my concerns to Dobby. I tell him whatever nefarious plan Father is concocting it'll most likely get you and your friends into massive trouble.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd ask Father what those mudbloods have ever done to him. I'd ask if he's honestly afraid of a bunch of school kids. It's hardly like they make me any less pure-blood just because we happen to live in the same castle and attend the same classes, their filthiness is not contagious. I'd write you a letter to warn you if I thought you'd read it.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

I look out through the window, as I always do when we're crossing this bridge — the view here is spectacular — and I notice something that looks like a light blue muggle road vehicle descending from the clouds above. I've noticed you never boarded the train and later, when I watch through the windows of the Great Hall as you crash into that tree, I realise where you've been. The question is why.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd ask you why you weren't on the train, why you decided to make your way to the castle by that strange muggle contraption instead. I'd ask you to show it to me and tell me how it works. Maybe I'd ask you to take me for a ride. It looked rather wicked.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

I don't know why you don't have any clothes that fit, or why you don't carry yourself with more pride and dignity. You're a celebrity for Merlin's sake, a living legend. I know your mother was a mudblood, but your father was from a fairly respected pure-blood family and I can't understand why you always shy away like that, like you don't think you're worthy of any of the attention.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd offer my help. I'd teach you how to dress properly, maybe lend you some good clothes instead of the rags you're always wearing. I'd help you with your posture, coaching you how to stand proudly — with your chest out and your shoulders back, your spine lifted by the invisible thread at the top of your head — just like Mother once taught me. I'd help you look like the hero you are.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

The snake lands on the floor between us and looks positively furious. How this vain buffoon could ever pass as a teacher is beyond me. And why would Severus think it a good idea for me to conjure the animal in the first place? He knows I can't stand the creepy things. Slytherin symbol or not, they're nasty. And then, you start talking to it.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd swallow my fear and recall the spell to make it disappear. I'd vanish it so quickly no one would ever even notice the terror in my eyes. Then I'd ask you to teach me how you do it, maybe I wouldn't have to be so afraid if I knew how to communicate with them. Or, I'd ask you to always be around as my personal snake whisperer when needed.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

I've heard the rumours. They say it was a Basilisk. An honest to Merlin, real-life, full-size Basilisk! Please tell me it's not true. They also say you bested it. I can't believe it — they're said to be enormous. And you may be The-Boy-Who-Lived, but you're still just a tiny, scrawny 12-year-old boy. Just like me. I don't get where you've got all that bloody courage from.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd ask you to share that courage with me, you seem to have enough for at least the two of us. They say if you want to overcome your fears you should expose yourself to them, so maybe I'd ask you to take me to the chamber and let me have a look at the carcass. And if I freak out down there, I'd ask you to hold my hand and comfort me.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

Father is still seething with fury as I arrive home for the summer. He's never happy when he loses any of his possessions and apparently he considered a house-elf more valuable than he ever let show when Dobby was still with us. From his constant cursing of your name I suspect you were somehow involved in his liberation.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd let myself laugh at Father's antics. I'd remind him of how poorly he's always treated the elf and suggest maybe he had it coming. I'd tease him about going to the library and look up the concept of karma. I'd write you a letter and ask you how you did it because I'm desperate to know.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

Father asks me which elective classes I'm planning on taking this year. As if he'd let me choose. He's already decided for me of course, but he'd like to hear me say it. Wants me to show him I know what he expects of me. So I tell him what I know he'll want to hear: Arithmancy and Ancient Runes. We're only required to choose two, but I know Father expects more from me than that, so I add Care of Magical Creatures as well. He smiles proudly. At least I might be able to learn something about dragons if I'm lucky.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd tell Father I'd rather take Muggle Studies than any of the above. I'd tell him I'd like to know more about them and build my own opinion. They can't all be bad considering how frustratingly talented Granger is. I'd tell him that I think our world view might not be the absolute truth he'd always made it out to be.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

They say you fainted back there, on the train. Said the Dementors nearly sucked the soul out of you. I can't even imagine what that would feel like. I want to ask you, want to make sure you're alright, but when I do it comes out taunting — as always — and I don't even know why. It's like I can't help it. I do hope you're alright. I hope your friends take good care of you.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd let you know how worried I am. I've never met one before, but I've read about them. And I've seen the way my mother looks every time she comes back after visiting her sister: pale as parchment and frail as fairy wings. I'd ask you if you're alright. Maybe I'd offer you some of my chocolate. I'm quite sure that's not the prescribed remedy after this kind of thing, but it'd hardly hurt, right?

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

You descend from the sky and smile like a loon as the creature comes to a stop in the clearing next to Hagrid. Your hair is windblown and messier than I've ever seen it, and your cheeks are rosy from excitement. You look so happy and I'm thrown by the sudden need to share your experience, to get a chance to feel the same happiness you're currently emitting.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd ask you to introduce me to the animal. He scares the freaking hell out of me, but I'd die for a chance to mount him and let him take me for a ride. I'd ask you to come with me, he could probably take us both, and then I wouldn't feel so scared with your arms holding me tight as we reach for the sky.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

The wardrobe is rattling violently and whatever's in there is clearly trying to get out of its confinement. Professor Lupin tells us to get ready to face our fears and how to defend ourselves against it. Fortunately, my wand arm is still injured so he lets me sit this one out. I can only hope this assignment won't come up in a practical exam later on. I'd hate to reveal my deepest fear in front of, say, the O.W.L. examiner.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd ask him to let me practice the spell with him in private, just to be ready if it actually comes up in the exams. (And with my luck it most definitely will, and then I'll be screwed.) I'd let him watch as my father walks out from that wardrobe and then I'd let him teach me how to make Father go away.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

My heart stops as you plummet from the sky, free-falling towards the unforgiving ground. I want to scream, but there's no air in my lungs. I want to — I don't know — anything that might help to save you, but I'm paralyzed.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd reject my fear and remember a spell that would help you survive the fall. I'd draw my wand and cast it in a heartbeat, not bothering what the people around me would say. I'd rescue you, because I don't want to know what a world without you in it would be like.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

The shimmering bright cloud is coming right at me. In the mist, I can see a vague shape of— I'm not sure, but it looks like it's got antlers. A stag maybe? I don't have time to check it out properly before Greg shifts beneath me and I fall to the ground. We land in a mortifying heap, tangled in black fabric. As I raise my eyes towards the sky again, you've already caught the Snitch.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd seek you out later and ask you about the spell you cast. I've never seen anything like it before and it was amazing. And how you could find the concentration to cast it in the middle of a chase for the Snitch, I'll never know. I'd ask you to teach me how you did it.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

I can't believe you just did that! You actually threw mud at me? How utterly humiliating. And was it an invisibility cloak you used? It sure looked like it, but where the hell would you've been able to get one of those? They're awfully expensive and extremely rare. I've been wishing for one for ages, but Father hasn't been able to get hold of one for me yet. And now I've got mud in my hair.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd confront you about it. I'd ask you how you did it because my curiosity is killing me, and I don't even know how you managed to get out of the castle without a signed slip. I'd admit it was a good prank you pulled; I'd like to think you'd have made an excellent Slytherin. Then I'd invite you to help me execute my next prank against my dormmates.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

I just got a letter from Father telling me he'd made sure the Hippogriff will be executed for what he did to me. Why must he always be so dramatic? It's embarrassing. It was only a scratch really, just enough to make sure the game would be postponed. So I'd get more practise before having to fly against you. (I'm still rather nervous about that, you know?) And now, an execution? Honestly?

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd tell my father to revoke that bloody verdict. I'd tell him he's being ridiculous and that he's only making a fool of himself — and me — by acting this way. I'd tell him to stop trying to have Hagrid fired. (I haven't asked him about the dragon yet, and I want to know more.) I'd tell him to stop making people and creatures miserable for my sake.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

It's all your fault. I'm in the Top Box. I've got the perfect view. And yet I cannot for the life of me focus on what's happening in the game. I should marvel at that Wronski Feint, follow his every move. But when I do, all I can think of is how much he reminds me of you. You both fly like you were born to do it. And it doesn't help that his scarlet robes make him look just like a Gryffindor. He hasn't got your hair though. It's far too short compared to the hopelessly tousled mess right in front of me, so close I could reach out and touch it if I wanted to.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd lean forward, feigning excitement for the game. My parents would never even have to notice. Nor would your friends if you didn't want them to. I'd rake my fingers through your hair, finally finding out what it feels like. I've always wanted to know. I bet it's soft. When you leaned back, leaned into my touch, I'd nuzzle my face in it and capture your scent. That fresh, glorious scent that always makes me go mad when you get too close. I'd murmur something salacious in your ear that'd make you laugh.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave, like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

Not that any of our DADA teachers so far have been that brilliant, but this one's seriously creepy. Many of us were appalled by him showing us the Unforgivables in action — and I'll never forgive him for that humiliating ferret incident — but now he's actually casting _Imperio_ on us and challenging us to resist it? Of course, you succeed on the first try, you bloody show-off.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd tell him he's a bloody lunatic. I'd tell him I'll write my father and have him fired for casting Unforgivables on us, the Board would never allow it if they knew. On the other hand, being able to resist the Imperius Curse might come in handy one day. Maybe I'd just ask you to teach me how you did it. Yes, that's it.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

Yes, it works! I'm a genius! I don't even want to know how many hours I've spent on perfecting the charms on these badges. Pansy says I've become obsessed, insinuates I'm just doing it to impress someone. Frankly, I don't know what she's on about. I wonder if you'll notice the fact I put your name in Slytherin green.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd go along with my initial idea and add that last charm. It worked well enough on the prototype I've got hidden under my pillow. The one which says _Potter FTW_ when I whisper your name. I'd keep it as a surprise for you and then I'd watch your face as I activate them all at once when you complete the first task.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave, like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

I can't believe you did it. When I realised they've paired you up with that Hungarian Horntail, I was sure you'd never succeed. You looked so small out there, several years younger than the other contestants, but when I saw that Firebolt come flying your way from the castle, I knew you'd make it. And you did. I don't think my heart has ever beat that fast before.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd go over to you and ask you to introduce me to that dragon tamer you seem to be acquainted with. I've always wanted to have a dragon, but apparently, they're illegal here in Britain. I'd ask you if you'd think he'd let me help take care of them before they leave.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

I watch you as you enter the hall with the Patil girl on your arm. As you reach the dance floor, she wraps your arms around her as if she has to remind you how to dance. You look confused and embarrassed as you stumble through the routine and you abandon the dance floor as soon as you're able. Later I watch you sulk with the Weasel, and despite your scowl, you're still the most gorgeous boy in the room.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd approach you and ask for a dance. I'd bow like a gentleman before escorting you to the floor and take you in my arms. I'd lead you through the steps I've been taught since forever, making you feel like you're floating on a cloud. I'd tell you how beautiful you are and how I could drown in your emerald eyes.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

You've been looking anxious for weeks now and I can't help but think you haven't solved the clue yet. The library will be closing soon and you're still here, looking more desperate than ever now when even Granger and the Weasel have abandoned you. I can't believe they just left you here to figure it out on your own.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd offer my help. I keep thinking I might possibly know the answer to the problem that's worrying you. I'd ask you how much you already know and then I'd help you figure it out in time, even if it'd take the whole bloody night.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

I watch you fume as you read Skeeter's article over Granger's shoulder. I've read it, of course (several times), and I seriously hope its content isn't accurate. She looked disturbingly beautiful at the Yule Ball and I fear you might fall for her if you haven't already.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd ask you flat out if you fancy her instead of having that scandalous reporter write that crap just to be able to watch your reaction to the concept of the two of you being together. I'd tell you about the dreams I've been having recently, where I'm the one trapped in the deep, dark lake and you're the one rescuing me, taking me in your arms and bringing me up to the light.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

You appear from nowhere and everyone cheers like crazy before shock takes over and everything stills. You're kneeling in front of a body, Cedric's body, and you're bleeding. They want you to let go of him, but you only tighten your grip, burying your tear-drenched face in his chest.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd run down the stairs to join you on the field. I'd wrap my arms around you and try to comfort you in your grief. I'd let you cry on my shoulder for as long as you need, and I'd tell you, again and again, everything is going to be alright, even though we both know that's probably not true.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

She says you're a liar, that he's not returned, and you just can't let it go. You say you've seen him, fought him even, and she gives you detention. You stand up in class and talk without permission again. You're furious. You ask her about Cedric, about his murder, and she insists it was just an accident before she dismisses you to see McGonagall.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd stand up in class too. I'd tell her you're speaking the truth. That he has indeed returned. I haven't met him myself — thank Merlin — but my Father has. He hasn't told me directly, but he's been acting pleased and smug all summer. And I've heard him speak to Mother about it several times when they both thought I wasn't listening. I'd stand up for you and dare my friends to do the same.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

You're still eating as if you've never seen food before. No, that's not it. Rather like as if you feel a need to stock up, just in case. As if you don't know when you'll ever be offered food again. Your table manners are appalling, hunching over your meal, shovelling the food straight into your mouth, not even bothering to pick up your knife. At least you don't talk with your mouth full, like the Weasel beside you. When you look up, I give you my best disdainful scowl.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd go over to you, sit down by your side and teach you how to behave properly. I'd show you how to sit up proudly, cut your food in respectably sized pieces and how to savour each bite. Or maybe I'd straddle the bench beside you, one thigh innocently and quite accidentally grazing your backside as I pick up your fork and start feeding you. I'd let my other hand gently rest at the small of your back as I lean in and murmur something in your ear that makes you blush adorably.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

I nearly pass out from the impact as your fist connects with my stomach and I double over, landing hard on my back. You're absolutely furious, your bright eyes burning with rage, and I must be a masochist for thinking how spectacular you look like this, so alive and vibrant. In mere seconds you're all over me, straddling me as you punch me again and again. I think there might be two of you but I'm not sure, all I can see is you. As your fist hits my jaw and I taste blood in my mouth, I hide my face with my arms, asking myself why I even mentioned the Weasel woman. I just wanted you to know I wrote those lyrics — they took me ages to finish — but you always seem to bring out the worst in me.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd grab your wrists and make you stop. I'd turn us around, flip you over on your back and pin your arms to the ground as I straddle you. I'd ignore the insults you'd most definitely spit in my face and then I'd watch your brilliant eyes widen in surprise as you become aware of the telling hardness pressing against your body. I'd watch your lips part in a gasp before I cover it with my own. I'd feel your body melt under mine as our tongues meet for the first time.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave, like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

I'm expected to join her squad now. Father insists. She wants help finding out what you're up to. Don't deny it, I know you're up to something. Something important. Or she wouldn't be so upset about it. Yes, I agree, she's a crazy bitch. But that's no reason to speak up and just beg to be punished any chance you've got. Come on, even you are smarter than that.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd refuse to join her fucking squad. I'd tell her to back off and let us study in peace. Then I'd tell you do calm down, to lay low for a while and try not to get into any more trouble. I'd ask you to tell me your secret, tell me what you're up to. Maybe I'd even ask if I could join in.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

I spit out your name as if it were a vile potion. It goes well with my scowl and it's almost instinct by now. All those consonants, the P and the Ts, shoot out from between my lips as if my mouth can't get rid of the word fast enough, as if it was the foulest thing I've ever tasted.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd call you by your other name instead, your first one. I've tried it out recently, in the darkness, surrounded by the closed curtains of my bed and secured by privacy charms. It's delicious on the palate, the Rs and the Y too delectable to ever let go of. I'd call you by your first name, just to see the reaction on your face.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

For my birthday, my parents' traditional Parisian truffles are accompanied by a letter stating my true gift — a betrothal. Can you believe it? No, of course not. You don't know how the pure-blood traditions work, do you? Her name is Astoria, and she's the younger sister of Daphne, who's in our year. I don't know if you know who she is. She's sweet, I guess, and will surely make a good match for me, and a respectable mother for the future Malfoy heir. At least that's what Mother says.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd tell my parents that I don't want to marry a girl and produce an heir. I'd tell them that I'd like it if they'd stop controlling my life. I'd tell them I'm in love with someone else. A boy. I wonder how they'd react if I told them it was you. I'd tell them I don't care what they think, that I'd chosen you either way, even if they threaten to disown me. That I'd manage without them if I only had you.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

I'm still holding your wand in my hands as she asks Severus for the Veritaserum. Earlier, when she ordered me to take it from you, I had to reach into your breast pocket to retrieve it. I could feel your heart beating so fast against my skin I had to bite my lip not to gasp out loud. Now, Severus is practically mocking her for wanting the truth potion and when you start talking about someone named Padfoot she all but goes ballistic on you.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd tell her to back off. I'd cast _Incarcerous_ on her before passing you your wand back and setting you and the others free. Maybe I'd even tell you to bring me with you, even though I have no idea where you're headed. I don't think you would mind the extra help. I'd do anything to make sure you stay alive long enough to win this fucking war.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

The mirror crashes into a million pieces and I watch numbly as the shards rip my skin open and blood starts trickling over my knuckles. In less than 24 hours I'll become one of them. It's supposed to be an honour. Not for me though. I'm just a replacement, a tribute from our family now that Father's not able to serve him anymore. I'm not even of age yet. They say I should be proud, honoured, grateful. Tomorrow evening. How did it come to this?

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd tell him he can't do this to me. I'd remind him I'm still just a child. I'd plead with Mother to find a way to save me. I'd plead with my godfather. I'd tell them to leave me out of their creepy fellowship. I'd find a way to run away from this. I'd owl you and ask you to come rescue me. You're the Saviour, after all.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

This place is hell on earth. Father's only been here for a little over a month and he already looks more dead than alive. When Mother tells him about my task, he looks... relieved. Pleased to know there's still a chance for me to redeem the Malfoy name after what he's done. He says I should focus on completing it, that it's the last chance we may get if we want to survive.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd tell him I'd rather focus on my studies. I'd tell him I don't want to quit the Quidditch team, that I don't want to drop Care of Magical Creatures. (We still haven't gotten to the dragons yet.) I'd tell him I'd like to take up Alchemy. I'd tell him I don't want to complete that bloody task and that we should try to find another way out of this mess that he's created.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

I knew it. I knew you sneaked in with Blaise in your bloody invisibility cloak and have been listening from the luggage rack ever since. Seeing you lying there helpless on the floor, I'm struck by the sudden urge to kiss you. Then I tell myself I don't want our first kiss to be like that, that I want you to want it too. Instead, I remind myself of my task, of how much more you'll hate me when it's done.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd tell you how I feel about you. I'd tell you that you're in my every fantasy and that the thought of you is the only thing keeping the aftershocks of my nightmares at bay when I wake up in the middle of the night. I'd tell you how much I want to kiss you, and hold you, and take care of you. If you'd only let me.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

Where did this come from? Did you hire a private tutor over the summer, or what? No one should be able to brew a perfect Draught of Living Death at our age. Not even I am capable of that apparently, and I've had Severus teaching me since I was five. You already beat me at everything else, why couldn't you just have let me have Potions?

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd suggest we'd team up in Potions class. I think we'd make an excellent team, what with my hard-earned knowledge and your sheer dumb luck. And then I'd ask you to let me have a taste of that little bottle of Felix Felicis. Merlin knows I'll need it if I'm ever going to survive this year. I'd ask you to help me find a way out of this situation my bloody father has put me in.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

I see you looking at them and my heart aches from the pain reflected in your eyes. I can see you're clearly seething with jealousy, and I want to go over there and strangle them both for what they do to you. I don't think I'd ever feel alright seeing you with her, or anyone else for that matter, but at least you'd be happy.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd ask you out on a date. We could go to Hogsmeade and I'd buy you a drink at the Three Broomsticks. Hell, I'd even take you to Madam Puddifoot's if that's what you really wanted. Or, we could go flying. A one-on-one Seeker's game, just for fun. I wonder what you'd say if I suggested a shared shower afterwards. _Scared, Potter?_ I'd like to imagine you wouldn't be able to back down from that challenge.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

You spend an awful lot of time in Dumbledore's office. Don't think I haven't noticed. Just because you seem to constantly be stalking me doesn't mean I don't keep an eye on you too. I always have. Every time I see you leave, you look so distressed, so miserable. I wonder what you're talking about up there.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd ask you what's wrong. I'd like to try to make you smile, cause you look gorgeous when you smile. And you deserve to be able to smile. You're the good guy, the Golden Boy, and you should be happy. Unlike me, the servant of the Dark Lord who is about to assassinate our beloved Headmaster. I might not deserve to be happy, but you do. So I'd do anything to make you smile.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

I watch as they levitate Weasley's unconscious body up from the dungeons to the Hospital Wing. I hear whispers saying he's been poisoned by some mead and I realise his affliction is actually my doing. Shit. I pray he's going to be alright. I never meant to poison him. I never really meant to poison anybody, but this task I've been given is just too heavy to handle.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd visit you to ask how he's faring. I'd tell you how sorry I am for how your friend accidentally ended up in the middle of this mess. I'd probably confess my part in the situation, and Bell's cursing accident as well. I'd beg for your forgiveness, and Weasley's too.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

I'm bawling like a baby, sharing my desperation with the only confidante I have these days — a ghost. Oh Merlin, how pathetic I've become. If you saw me now, like this, you'd probably laugh in my face. Pitying the boy who can't even save himself, even less his family, while you've set out to save the whole Wizarding World. And then, suddenly, you're here, staring at me through the mirror. How much have you heard of my ramblings?

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd ignore my Father's voice in my head commanding me to never show weakness in front of another human being. I'd lower my wand and plead for your help. Who knows, maybe you could even save me from this impossible situation I'm in? After all, they say you're our Saviour. I'd ask you if you'd hold me and let me cry on your shoulder.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

Oh, fucking hell, this is it. Somehow, I've managed to take him by surprise and now he's just standing there, unarmed, and keeps on talking. If only he could stop talking. I can't believe this is actually happening to me. I don't want to do this. But I have to. Or he'll kill Mother. And she doesn't deserve to die. Me and Father on the other hand… I'm really grateful you're not here to witness this or you'll never be able to forgive me. Not that I ever think you would anyway, but I guess I'll never stop hoping for the impossible.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd lower my wand and take him up on his offer. I'd let him help me hide from the Dark Lunatic and I'd ask him to rescue Mother from that madhouse that was once our peaceful home. I'd fall on my knees and beg for his forgiveness, apologize for always being such a coward. I'd offer my services to the Light side, the right side; to help in any way that I can. And then I'd pray for your forgiveness too.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

They're talking about you, about how to capture you. I'm trying to focus on my Occlumency shields, but I keep getting distracted by the unconscious body rotating up there, right over the table. Like a fucking chandelier. If they only knew about that time she caught me in her office trying to nick that textbook. Not only did she let me have it, but she offered me several more. She promised never to tell anyone, but what if they search her memories now and find that?

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd leave this room and never come back. I'd find a way to reach you where you are and warn you about the raid, tell you how much they know. Severus seems to have your Order's confidence still; I can't imagine why. Not after what he did. I'd tell you that they shouldn't trust him, that he'll sell you out again and again. I'd ask you to trust me on this, even though I know you never will.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

Rowle is writhing on the floor, screaming in pain, and I can feel those horrible red eyes on me as I will my wand hand not to shake. I'm doing this to him. I'm the one who's making him suffer. For this curse to work you need intent, and when I force myself to think about how close he got to hurting you I find all the fuel I need to succeed, even as I'm terrified of what I've become.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd redirect my wand towards the Dark Lunatic and _Crucio_ him instead. Merlin knows I harbour enough hate towards him to give me all the intent I'd need. He'd probably kill me on the spot, but maybe it'd be worth it to see the surprise in his abhorrent face as I turn on him. I'd tell him to go to hell where he belongs.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

You're not here. Of course, you're not. I don't know why I thought you'd be here, not when everyone's looking for you. I just can't imagine Hogwarts without you. Do you know I'd planned to ask you for help? Beg even. Hoping you'd give me a second chance and hear me out. Hoping your Order would be able to protect me and my family from the Dark Lunatic. I don't ever want to go back to the Manor again, not as long as he's still there…

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd ask someone else to help me over to your side, to the Light. Professor McGonagall perhaps. Or maybe I'd just run away from here. Find a way to get in touch with you and offer my help. You probably don't need me since you have Granger and Weasley, but I'd offer it anyway.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

He's seriously going to make us do it. And to think I once thought Professor Moody was crazy for casting _Imperio_ on us. Now we're supposed to learn how to cast _Crucio_ ourselves. On each other. For practice. For once, I'm not grateful for my scholastic advantage. I hate the fact that I already know how to do this. After all, the Dark Lunatic had me trained over the summer.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd go up to Severus's office and demand to know why the hell he's allowing this madness to go on. I'd remind him that, even though he's always been strict and resentful, he's never been downright cruel. I'd tell him this isn't like him, that he's better than this. I'd ask him to make them stop.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

I cannot believe my eyes. I've spent countless hours in this room since I came back — despite the awful memories it revives from last year — just for a chance to get away from the Carrows' madness. And now, amongst all the rubble in this place, I suddenly find myself staring into your beautiful emerald eyes. It's only a charmed mirror, I know, but the sight takes my breath away regardless.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd reach out my hand to touch you. I'd research all there is to know about this mirror, hopeful in finding a way to use it to get to where you are. I'd tell myself it's not just a cruel illusion. I'd let myself hope that what I'm seeing — you by my side, arms wrapped around me and smiling as if we're friends, or even more — could one day be real.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

I knew I should've stayed at Hogwarts over the holidays. I've never seen him so angry before, and that says a lot. Mostly he seems to be angry with his bloody snake though, so if we're lucky he might just kill it in his rage. I comfort myself with the notion this is probably all your fault and that his rage is the result of you accomplishing some crucial part of whatever it is you're doing out there. This is by far the worst Christmas Eve I've ever had.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd stand up and yell at him to shut up and leave us alone. I'd demand he move out of our house and find somewhere else to live. I'd tell him to take all the others with him, including the vile snake, the horrid werewolf and my crazy aunt. I'd tell him to stop harassing our family and let us celebrate Christmas together in peace.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

It's cold up here. And filthy. But since the room disappeared on me I have nowhere else to go when I need an escape. At least the owls keep me company. As much as I hated the place where I once worked on the cabinet, I miss that mirror I found which let me see you as often as I liked. I still don't know how it worked but I loved the smiles your reflection gave me.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd write you a letter and hope an owl would find you when no one else can. I'd ask you if you were alright, if you're making any progress and whether you ever miss me as much as I miss you. I'd ask if your beautiful snowy owl is there with you, wherever you are, and then I'd pray for the moment when I'd see it come flying towards me in the Great Hall with your reply.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

No, it can't be. You can't be here. If they've captured you now— Oh Merlin, this can't be happening. Father asks me to identify you and I don't know what to do. I know it's you. Of course, I do. I'd recognise those eyes anywhere. I'm thrilled to finally have you so close to me again after all this time. At the same time, I'm terrified by what your presence means.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd probably do something foolish like— I don't know— kiss you? Even though you look hideous when you're all deformed like this. Or I'd just _Stupefy_ my father before taking you in my arms and Apparating you out of here in a flash. You'd hate me for leaving your friends behind, but I'd figure it'd be worth it. As long as you stay alive it'd be worth it. I'd rescue you.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

But maybe I could…

oxoxo

There's blood everywhere and it hurts like hell. I still don't know what's really happening since I'm kneeling on the floor with my hands covering my face, but somehow you've managed to get out of the cellar. You've been disarmed, I'm holding your wand, and yet you've somehow managed to bring down the chandelier. I'm certain you'll be dead any moment now, but then suddenly you — amazing, incredible you — are here, right in front of me, and hope flares in my chest like wildfire. You reach for the wands in my shaking hand.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd help you fight them. I'd start with stupefying the bitch, she'd never see it coming from me until it's too late. Then I'd disarm Mother while you'd take care of Greyback. We'd make an excellent team, you and I, perfectly in sync. I'd escape with the rest of you before the Dark Lunatic arrives.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

But at least I let you take the wands.

oxoxo

Hell, this hurts. It's like the world has disappeared around me and all that's left is pain. Pain like I've never known pain before. Yet, somehow, I know it could have been even worse. If the wand torturing me had been held by him, or my aunt, or even by Father. Instead, on his command, it's my godfather holding the wand. And, for reasons unknown to me, I get the feeling he's letting me off easy.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd suck it up and take it. I'd stop the constant stream of screaming pouring out from my lungs. I'd glare at him defiantly for every wave of pain crashing over me. Later, I'd ask my godfather what's going on, what he's up to, why he risked his place by his Master's side for my sake. I'd tell him I'd take the torture any day as long as it means you're still alive.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

Why the fuck did she do that? Why couldn't she just have stayed seated and shut the hell up? Now we're all forced to leave because of her, our entire house, even if some of us had wanted to stay and fight. All the other houses are invited to stay, but we have to go because we belong to the wrong house. The evil house. Oh, how I hate prejudices sometimes. I want to stay and fight for you, fight with you. I want to be by your side when you win.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd have grabbed her arm and yanked her back down on the bench next to me. Or even better, I'd have stood up beside her and covered her mouth with my hand while I hissed at her to shut the fuck up. I'd yelled at you to go away and win this fucking war. I'd tell you to go kill that fucking bastard. I'd escort the bitch out of here myself. And then I'd come back and find you. I'd make sure to always have your back until this nightmare is over.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

It's hot as hell, and there is smoke everywhere. Yet, all I can feel is your body pressed against mine and my heart is pounding like crazy. Your scent is making me dizzy, and I can't believe that this is actually happening. I was ready to die back there, so sure that was it. And then you appeared, as if from nowhere, like a Phoenix through the flames — like the glorious Saviour you are — and you pulled me out of this inferno.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd hold you like this forever. I'd never let you go. If we ever get out of here, if we both survive this, I'd thank you for risking your life for me, even though I don't deserve it. I'd kiss you, and then I'd tell you how much I love you, how I'd do anything for you. I'd tell you I'd gladly die for you if I knew it'd help you survive and get your Happily Ever After.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

I must be hallucinating. You were dead. I saw your body in Hagrid's arms. I saw him laying you down in front of the Dark Lunatic. I couldn't take my eyes off of you, not even when chaos erupted around us. When everyone else started screaming and running around, I rushed over to get to you, wanted to protect your body from further harm, and now suddenly you're moving. You're moving! You wrap yourself in your cloak and disappear, and I've never been happier in my entire life.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd play along and not let anybody know what I think I saw. Instead of standing here frozen in place, staring at the spot from where you just disappeared, I'd turn around and kill that fucking snake. I heard Granger say you needed to have it killed, and I'm sure I'd find a way to do it even though I'm only armed with Mother's wand nowadays.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

You did it. You actually fucking did it. The Dark Lunatic is dead, and you're still alive. But seriously, an _Expelliarmus_? You reckless, stupid idiot! Did you know it was going to work or were you just improvising? You had the Dark Lord killed with a Disarming Charm, and I still can't believe you did it. And with my wand. I guess that's as close as I'm ever going to get to triumph, heroics and victory.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd go up to you and congratulate you. Not here, not now when you're surrounded by everybody else — I know how much you hate the attention — but later, somewhere quieter. I'd give you my most teasing smirk, and then I'd remind you to thank me for letting you take my wand that day. Hopefully, you'd laugh at my joke and then maybe I'd finally be able to tell you how much I admire you, how much you mean to me.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

You stand there in the hallway as I walk out from the courtroom, a free man thanks to you and your testimony. I don't deserve your benevolence, your compassion, not after everything I've done, but I'm grateful all the same. My parents are talking to me, but I can't focus on what they're saying. Not when you look my way and capture my whole existence with your vibrant emerald eyes. You give me a polite nod which I return with one of my own. Then you slip away.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd go over there and thank you for saving me yet again, even though you didn't have to. I'd thank you for saving me from that godforsaken place, for giving me a second chance at life. I'd thank you from the bottom of my bruised and battered heart, and I'd ask you for your forgiveness.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I don't.

oxoxo

I tear my eyes from the hawthorn wand in my hand as you teasingly thank me for letting you borrow it. I look up at you, somewhat bewildered, and I detect a sparkle in your eyes as you offer your hand for me to shake. I take it of course — what else can I do? — and when your warm skin meets mine, I'm reminded of another time and another place, of another proffered hand which had been rejected. Before I regather myself, you're already walking down the steps towards the gates.

If I were brave, like a Gryffindor, I'd run after you. I'd ask you to stop and when you do, when you turn around, I'd take you in my arms. I'd hold you as I've always wanted to hold you, close and secure, finally. I'd tell you to stay, to never ever leave me again. I'd tell you I don't want to live a single day without you.

That's what I'd do — if I were brave like a Gryffindor.

But I'm not.

So I…

No.

I may not be brave like a Gryffindor.

But…

If I may say so myself, I am rather intelligent and witty — like a Ravenclaw.

And when it comes to the ones I love, I'm even loyal and dedicated — like a bloody Hufflepuff.

And yes, even though self-preservation is one of our Slytherin traits, we are also known to be both determined and ambitious.

So, maybe I can also be brave like a Gryffindor sometimes if I want to.

Oh, how I want to.

oxoxo

"H-Harry, wait…"

You stop in your tracks and you turn around, surprise and confusion in your eyes. Then there's a ghost of a smile flickering in your features and it gives me the courage to go on.

"Would you like, er— can I offer you a— a cup of tea before you leave?"

oxoxo

Alright, so I guess can be brave. Maybe not like a reckless Gryffindor, but as a Slytherin. A Slytherin in love.

* * *

If you'd gone to Hogwarts, had you been moulded by the traits of your House or would you still be the same? Would your expected traits have supported or hindered you in the forming of your personality? If you'd been a Slytherin, what would you have done?

Thank you for reading.

As the insecure author I am, I highly appreciate any feedback you're willing to give me - follows, favs and reviews are my primary life sources.


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